So before anything I’m a trans woman (20), I do not claim to be a real woman or try to put women down or mock them. So please I’d like to ask you to abstein from comments about it because I already know what I am.
I’ve been trying dating apps because they feel safer than just dating people from your daily life when I was a teen (friends and classmates).
I do have a note on my profile that notifies these men about what I am before they can chat with me, some unmatch, others will say bad stuff before leaving, but another big amount stay. Everything goes fine we chat for a long time, we have a few dates, but in the end they all seem to lose interest at some point.
It just makes me so tired of meeting a lot of different men every month. I don’t understand what they want.
I remember being 20 over 20 years ago, and my dating life was a hot mess. Almost everyone I knew had a dating life that was a hot mess. You’re really, really young and have a ton of life ahead of you. Don’t get discouraged before you even start.
I can’t answer why its happening, but as a man, this is almost the exact experience a lot of us men have on dating apps if we even get matches. Lots of little dates and chats but it rarely ever goes anywhere so i can offer sympathy on why that feels frustrating. Tbh i think meeting people in real life is better as you can gauge the chemistry between two people better irl than over texting. The hard part is that for many young people there are not a lot of places outside of school or work to meet people anymore. Many of our aocial spaces have shifted to online spaces and human relationships aren’t fully prepared to catch up to our ever increaaing digital world.
If you feel overhwlemed and burnt out by your experiences online and going on so many dates i would recomend just taking a break from the online dating scene. You’re still very young and the world is full of oppourtunity to meet someone who loves you.
Thanks for the advice, but I already tried when I was a teenager. I only accepted a date from a classmate who later physically hurt me after I disclosed that I’m trans. What I like about the apps is that they can’t hurt me physically they can only say bad things
I think their suggestion was that your teenage experience is not indicative of the experiences you can have out in the wider world.
Dating as a teen is a serious social enigma. You are limited in who you can meet, and everyone knows everyone. That fundamentally changes everything about finding and retaining a partner.
You are still very young (in terms of “finding love”). I know it can feel like you’re missing out, and of course we all crave companionship, but you should know that as your life goes on you have the opportunity to meet all sorts of interesting and kind people from all over the world and a variety of walks of life
If you put your focus on developing your hobbies, exploring the world and its varied experiences, and surrounding yourself with people and environments that are good for you, then you are likely to find more genuine, natural romantic connections just by forming non-romantic relationships along the way.
You are a real woman, at least if you’re not an AI. Dating apps are really a battlefield. I remember comparing doing a match to an Isaac run; you start, have some ways, and maybe if all goes well, you win (whatever you find as a win). And in the end you need to do a lot of runs.
Hahaha it’s funny why do I always get accused of being AI in all my social media? 😭
Are you autistic or a grammar nerd? Those groups get flagged as AI more than others.
Uhh no actually I have very bad grammar because I’m not a native speaker, and I’m the opposite of autistic I’m very talkative and social 😅
Oh no hahaha, I just wanted to compare it with some unreal thing, and AI is like the trend yk
I don’t understand what they want
Most people don’t understand what other people want. To start, don’t try to figure out what they want. Focus on what you want. Do they meet your wants/needs in a potential partner. If they do ask them what they’re looking for in a potential partner.
As is commonly discussed, communication is the most important part of a functioning relationship. If you don’t know what you want, how can you communicate it to your partner.
If you don’t ask and they don’t tell you what they want, there is no tried and true way to find out.
Dating is about finding someone compatible, if we could tell you what all men and all women want wouldn’t every man and every woman automatically be compatible?
Find your person by meaningfully talking to people, not asking the internet to give you catch-all tips and tricks.
Lemmy ate my post, going to try again;
Some men like to take charge in their relationship, other men like their women to take charge. (It’s a spectrum of course.)
Your choice of words to describe yourself as “not real” suggests that you might need to work on your self confidence, and you might not be projecting a take charge attitude.
The overlap of men that like to take charge, and are also going on dates with trans women might be small.
The men that you’re meeting might be more likely to be interested in a woman that takes charge.
So next time you’re on a date, remember that this person has already accepted who you are. They’re not doing you a favor and settling for a “not real” woman, they are interested in you.
At the same time, it’s also totally ok if you are looking for a man that takes charge, just keep in mind it is going to take some looking and don’t give up. ❤️
What does take charge mean? I date older men, I’m sorry but if a 40 year old man wants to be taken care of by someone half their age… Sorry but that’s not the kind of man I’m looking for
Most 40 year old men trying to date someone half their age are looking for someone that’s easy to manipulate and control. If you don’t come across as naive in the first couple of dates they’re gonna bounce.
As a man just north of 40, what I look for in a woman half my age is for them to go have fun with people their own age.
Because you are not a creepy weirdo.
Dating is quite difficult. I can’t say from a trans perspective but from my perspective, there are many confusions and missteps. I have had so many women emphatically say they want another date and then flake. I think usually they’re dating multiple people and chose someone else. Ghosting is also a term for a reason, it’s fairly common. Keep at it, you’re bound to find someone worth the effort eventually.
Men do the same, actually even worse because I’ve met a few who are already married 😭
How do you know women don’t do that?
I haven’t met any man yet who told me he got a lot of matches from older married women, maybe I need more male friends but I haven’t heard much of it 😅
Have you met a man who gets a lot of matches from any women? Seems to be the main issue for most men on dating apps. Also, IDK why people would even mention that they’re married if they’re only looking for something sexual.
I don’t know, it does seem dumb but that’s what they do
Just keep in mind, we (men) are anything but a monolith. Setbacks can definitely feel disheartening, that’s how life is, but we get back up again and keep on going.
Finding someone good for you can take time, but I’m sure you’ll get there in the end.
Btw, don’t write off irl meetings via hobbies & such. 20-somethings usually are a lot more mature than teens.
That must be so annoying and at times hurtful. It’s always seemed women have it harder on dating apps.
A lot of men don’t know what they want… they might just have their interest piqued by your, relatively, novel circumstances.
Sometimes there’ll be no spark - I guess that’s the nature of dating. For others there may be a spark but fear, social pressure etcetera will put them off.
Good luck.
The sad reality is, that’s just what it’s like dating cis men as a trans woman, at least when you’re meeting them through apps or the like. The guys who hook up with trans women in those contexts are either chasers, or guys that are just curious. Neither of them is interested in anything long term though.
The guys who don’t care whether you’re trans or cis, who don’t make it at the core of why they are interested in dating you, won’t find you on dating apps.
Dating apps are awful for everyone, but as bad as they are, they are far far worse for trans folk.
I’m sorry, I’m not a man, but I do know the answer to your question. Disclosing your trans status in a dating profile is guaranteed to attract chasers. Once they realized you wanted a relationship and not just sex, they probably lost interest. I can almost guarantee it’s not your fault, there’s just a lot of gross men. You are a woman, it’s not a lie. Disclose your trans status before meeting, but try to get to know them better first and get a sense of how they might react. You won’t always get it right, and some men may respond badly, and you’ll have to block them immediately. This is how I eventually found my husband.
Another option is to use a queer dating app and specifically look for t4t relationships. There are a lot of cute trans guys out there.
Once they realized you wanted a relationship and not just sex, they probably lost interest.
Isn’t that usually the kind of thing you discuss before meeting, or is the idea that they’re deceptive?
I bet some dudes will pretend they want a relationship just to try and smash on the first few dates. Then if they like the smashing they’ll keep it up til it turns to something real or they get bored. If they don’t get laid they’ll leave and maybe leave some halfassed its me not you response.
But I’m very upfront about the fact that I’m not a sexual person at all, which I know is a turn off for a lot of guys
But a lot of them still stay after all, I get 100 matches a day so there’s very different kinds of men, I still don’t understand why they leave and I think it’s because they have dates with me as a second option while they’re trying something with another person they like more
A lot of men have 0 sex, so you saying you have low sex drive still gives them more than 0 sex. But they would be settling for your amount of sex. If someone else can give them more, they will take that. And probably a lot of people have more sex drive than you. So they will entertain you while they have no other options, but as soon as an option with more sex drive opens up, they are dropping you.
You have to look specifically for people that don’t really want/need sex, it is your obligation to figure that out.
Dating in general is a numbers game, you have to go through a lot of people to get what you want. But you have to know what you want and actively filter for it, if like right now, it seems you basically entertain everything who is friendly to you, you will have a lot of the other side canceling, not you canceling.
The no sex thing is going to be major for a lot of people. That isn’t them being shallow either, that is a strong biological motivator for the majority of the human species. It is also one of the most effective tools in a relationship for creating and rekindling intimacy.
With enough searching, you can probably find an asexual man who is interested in a purely romantic relationship, but you also can’t judge other guys for choosing someone else if you are bringing no sexuality to the table.
but you also can’t judge other guys for choosing someone else if you are bringing no sexuality to the table.
It seems like OP is being very upfront about it. If her matches go along with it even though they actually want a much higher amount of sex, that’s absolutely something to judge them for.
Maybe I missed a comment somewhere, but the original post talks about her saying she’s trans on her profile, not that she is also asexual.
In a comment that you replied to, OP states that “But I’m very upfront about the fact that I’m not a sexual person at all”, and includes a screenshot of a text conversation she has with a match where she mentions it.
Yes, by definition chasers are deceptive. And I’m not saying every man she’s matched with so far is deceptive, but posting that information publicly is known to make a large percentage of matches behave that way.
I’m not really attracted to trans men, but I do know a lot are very handsome just not my type. The thing is, I don’t disclose it directly on my profile, only on that note, so the interactions are like these:
Every one of those openers is a giant red flag for me. They are reducing you to only your sexual characteristics. If they are making your trans status the number one reason to meet you, you are not going to be looking at a long term scenario. They see you as exotic and novel, not as a full person.
I’m very confused, I don’t see where they mentioned my sexual characteristics 😭
They open with a lot of stuff related to your transness. Looks for the ones that are asking about your hobbies and such, the ones that are actually intetested in your life.
“You don’t look trans” and asking if you really are, or other reinforcements of how feminine you look.
These are compliments based on your physical characteristics that they find sexual because it is from potential partners on a dating site. It is very different than a platonic friend saying the exact same words because of the dating context.
It isn’t indicating anything nefarious, just a sign that they are focused on that aspect and it is most likely a fetish for them. It often means they are just looking for sex and not a relationship. If they pivot to personality and other things about you shortly after then there is a better chance they see you as a whole person.
I know it can be hard to see because it is positive attention, and can give you a sense of gender euphoria, but they absolutely are fetishizing you, and it’s not healthy to engage with it.
No honestly I don’t like compliments, I just have a hard time telling the difference between a fetishistic one and a normal one
I am a cis man so my perspective may be a bit, uh, lacking, but I think somebody who is honestly interested will likely move right past the entire issue. In other words, they ought to be interested in you as a person, what you like, your goals or dreams for the future, that sort of thing.
Unfortunately, a very disturbing majority of other men I have met have very deep misogyny that warps the way they think about women. A former friend once asked, without irony, if I would be offended if my girlfriend put on a noticeable amount of weight. As if the only possible explanation would be that she was intentionally gaining weight to slight me. I immediately chewed his ass out, and that was also the beginning of the end of that friendship. 🤮
That said, I wish you the best of luck. My father shared a saying with me once: people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, but we rarely know in advance which one. Kinda sounds dumb, I know, but I still think there’s some wisdom in there somewhere.
Edit: And I want you to know those man-children didn’t deserve a woman of your caliber anyways! ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
Second edit: from one of your other comments -
I think it’s because they have dates with me as a second optio
Oof! That’s gotta hit you in the feels, but sounds like you’re right. :(
Maybe OP’s profile is boring.
No way. Keep the trans disclosure in the profile, but filter chasers out post-match.
I dont need to go further than the 6th word to know the answer. You know it. We know it. Sorry. Just face reality.
This comment has received several reports, but I am not going to remove it – it is polite and to the point in answering OP’s question.
Yes, honesty can feel hurtful to some, no, it’s not breaking any rules of Lemmy.world or this community (in my view as moderator).
Remember to be excellent to each other.
/Ice
That’s not “the truth,” that’s blatant transphobia. That is a statement that trans women aren’t “real” women.
I don’t think that identifying that someone else identifies as trans is transphobic, and they certainly didn’t say that trans women aren’t real women.
I dont need to go further than the 6th word to know the answer. You know it. We know it. Sorry. Just face reality.
I read this in a couple of ways. First, it could mean that the dating pool for trans women, when compared to cis women, is incredibly small. Second, it could mean that by virtue of being a trans woman, the op has to expect some amount of experimentation on the part of her partners, and in romance more experiments fail than succeed.
And there could be other factors not related to being trans as well.
OP could be ugly, or clingy, or “mean when drunk” etc.
I’m a heterosexual cis man, ugly as fuck, and in my decades of dating, I’d say 90% of my relationships fail after a couple of months. I could have attributed at being a bit overweight, or being brown in a relatively white region, or being an immigrant. But I’ve seen others with my characteristics succeed where I fail. My odds improved with introspection and willingness to adapt.
OP, if you’re still reading the comments, we need more info.
That’s not how I read the comment, and I very much doubt that’s how it was intended or how most people interpreted it.
Thanks for the honesty, yes I know it and it’s understandable. What I don’t understand is why stay several dates?
My guess would be they’re fetishizing you to some extent, and when you don’t fit the shape of their kink mold… you’re out.
Something I’ve started to notice after paying more attention to their reactions is that they lose interest very quickly if I ask them if they’re bisexual. It’s an opinion it’s fine if they disagree with me but why leave just because I think they’re bi 😐
Okay so @Big_Boss_77@lemmynsfw.com there just hypothesized they’re fetishizing you…I’m going to hypothesize it’s the opposite, they’re just barely willing to give you a shot.
So, typical straight guy, downloads Tinder. Swipes right on ten or twenty thousand women. He gets one match: You. “Trans? Really? Sigh. Okay fuck it let’s give her a try.”
Here’s a little known and widely disputed fact about straight men: they don’t like having sex with people who have penises. So being asked by the trans woman you just met on Twitter “By the way, are you bi?” sounds a lot like “By the way, I have a penis, are you good with that?”
No, he’s not. So he nopes out. And probably stops swiping right on trans women.
In toxic masculinity, the hierarchy of sexuality is hetero, bi, homo. Anything less than hetero is weakness and lessens the person’s power. By even questioning their sexuality, you are, in effect, attacking their masculinity and identity.
Clarifying statement: I don’t believe in this and think that it is a dangerous, poisonous, and vile way to think. But I was once a young man, and I can remember how we treated each other. I am glad that I am not a young man anymore.
certainly I’ve no idea how sexual orientation in human works but my observation is, in ‘heterosexual’ world, it depends on gender ‘appearance’ (ie masculine or feminine bodily traits), gender identity (what you identify as personally) and sexual interest which can depend on current sex organs. different people have different weights on them. if not all of them are seeing you as an exploration or kink (I’ve seen that in men but do not know much about it), my guess what is happening here, is when you ask him if he is bi he thinks that the second aspect (identity) is uncertain and that disinterest them from being a partner. this might feel deceptive to them as well because they probably weren’t interested in people identifying men in first place.
respecting your original post I’ll not comment on that but you can try to analyze it from that angle.
I think you can try dating explicitly bisexual men to see as well.
I mean the fact that I’m passing doesn’t mean I’m not still a male. If they’re okay with my appearance why are they turned off by me stating a truth
I didn’t understand. you are transitioning (eg on hrt) and you didn’t have srs yet? or you aren’t physically transitioning yet and identify as a woman personally or socially too (ie social transition)?
in either case you can explain them the current position and let them figure out instead of you doing it for them. edit: I mean like saying you are a woman at stage xyz of transition and not asking their sexuality instead.
also online dating can be pretty frustrating at times. I would advise against making it a primary focus or a big source of self worth at any point.
I’ve been on puberty blockers for 9 years and hormones for 7 years. Also I don’t identify as a woman, I’m Asian I know Americans and Europeans have a different view but at least in my country identifying as a woman is not a thing?
People are shitty.
Looking over all the comments you’ve made, I think what you’re running into is an issue with the limitations of dating apps. There’s only so much you can have on them up front, so a lot of the real work has to come later. So all you’re really able to screen for is the absolute basics.
This means that you’ll get matches that aren’t good matches, but neither of you know it ahead of time.
So you end up with matches that aren’t interested in you as a person, just their idea of what you might be. Since ideas and reality rarely come together, you end up with mostly false matches. It’s not even because you’re trans, though that does change and limit how many initial interests you’ll get. Cis women have the same trouble. Hell, men have the same trouble tbh, it’s just that dating apps skew the kind of interactions you can have so that men very rarely are in the position you’re in. Being trans just amplifies the flaws inherent to the system
The only fact provided is that you were AMAB. Obviously this is limiting your dating pool, but so would many other immediate physical attributes. I will bet that in some cases you found guys that were trying to be open to it, but after a few dates figured out they weren’t as open to it as they thought.
Beyond that, what kind of conversations are you having? Are you finding shared interests? Are you sensing a spark that fades before it can catch fire? What kind of dates are you going on? Is there any personality clicking at all?
Honestly? No, my hobbies are gardening, reading and writing, and most guys are into videogames and gym. Like all of them it just feels so stupid how a lot of them like those two things. But at the same time I might not see a man with my same hobbies as masculine, which is a huge turn off for me.
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Sexist? I’m just attracted to what I’m attracted to. I can’t change that everyone has a type
My best guess is that they were open to the idea but ended up realizing it’s not for them - and then feeling too uncomfortable to communicate it properly?
Since you’re tired of dating apps here’s an alternate suggestion: Go over the hobbies you have, and find which ones have IRL communities - and then join them. Hell, if you find communities for hobbies you don’t have but seem interesting to you, try em out.
An important mindset to have is: DO NOT go in with the expectation to find a partner. Go in with the goal of just socializing and having fun, but don’t force it, its “doing fun stuff with like-minded people”, not “scouting for a partner”.
From there on, the more people you are exposed to, the likelier you are to stumble upon someone you click with romantically. You would also be surprised how many people find partners through mutual friends.
Okay the issue here is, I’ve done this before and it didn’t work. And right now I’m not on a stage where I want to expose my transness to my social circle, what’s most likely to happen if I tell a guy who is into me is that he will be shocked and tell a lot of people. Also there’s barely any men interested in my hobbies unless they’re gay
Completely fair, it is unfortunate society is the way it is. The frustrating part is that what we desire is located somewhere within that society, and there is no way around having to engage with that society in order to get it. Hardship is unavoidable.
We fight tooth and nail for the smallest morsels of happiness. It is not fair, it is not worth the effort, but what other option is there?
I wish you good luck.
I can’t really speak from the women side of things. It sounds like you haven’t met anyone that you’ve really had a spark with?
Dating apps can be tough, especially being trans. I don’t think you’re going about it wrong, it can just take a lot of time to find someone you really like. If it gets too much, don’t be afraid to take a break for a while, use that time to rest and reset.
Dating is hard, especially nowadays. You DON’T WANT any of them that eventually leave anyway because it will NEVER be a healthy relationship if you somehow managed it
Find someone who cherishes YOU. Just be aware it may take more time than some, but there are plenty of people who strike out just as often for a variety of reasons
Keep looking, keep asking for feedback from them, it’s not easy but relationships never are
Thanks 🫶🏻 something that I noticed that makes them leave a lot is when I ask if they’re bisexual. Because in my mind if they’re willing to have a relationship with a trans woman then they must be bisexual? It’s just an opinion I don’t understand why lose interest just because of that
Then give them space to label themselves, not all men are introspective or self-aware
The last 60 years has majorly fucked with labels and masculinity, and what seems like a simple question to smooth the relationship to you may feel like an identity attack to them.
The less labels used the better, allow people’s actions to define them
But sexuality is not just a label, and it sounds like internalized homophobia. If you’re attracted to a male of any kind you’re at least bisexual and there’s nothing wrong with it.
Sexuality is 100% a societally constructed label. It’s flexible, individual, and often changing. If you decide that ‘bisexual’ means anyone who’s ever had a passing thought about both genders, well suddenly that label applies to 99% of the population, whether they would agree to it or not. That’s not a particularly useful label at that point, it doesn’t mean anything. And since most people don’t use the label that way, they’re going to be upset if you tell them you’re stuffing them into that box.
Hmmm I’m not sure all straight men had a passing by men 🤣
I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say here, I think you might have misread?
The bigger point is, labeling someone without their consent is rude. A huge benefit of our growing collection of self descriptors of sexuality is that it gives people a framework to understand how they feel, and a way to communicate that with others in their community. Forcing a label on someone else is denying their lived experience and dismissing their feelings. It’d be one thing if you were having a political discussion online or something, but you’re doing this to your dates.
I guarantee that the boys in these conversations believe that there is something wrong with this.
Source: I said so
If you are asking young men, who are bathed and saturated in toxic masculinity, if they are bisexual, then they will perceive this as a direct challenge to their manhood.
In all honesty, you should not ask this question.
Having said that, men who are comfortable with their sexuality won’t care about this. However, that comfort typically comes with age.
