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Garibaldee@lemm.ee to The Onion@midwest.socialEnglish · 3 months ago

Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life That Not Giving Him Cancer

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Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life That Not Giving Him Cancer

theonion.com

Garibaldee@lemm.ee to The Onion@midwest.socialEnglish · 3 months ago
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SPARTA, OH—Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies’ life that is not currently giving him cancer, sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item Davies encounters in his day-to-day existence, the bamboo utensil is reportedly not leaching toxic chemicals into his body that […]
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  • Ace T'Ken@lemmy.ca
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    3 months ago

    … Oh, it’s treated wood? Never mind. RIP.

    • Rivalarrival@lemmy.today
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      3 months ago

      http://www.p65warnings.ca.gov/wood

  • EffortlessEffluvium@lemm.ee
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    3 months ago

    Yeah, but it just soaked up bacteria in the sink…

    • earphone843@sh.itjust.works
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      3 months ago

      Actually, the capillary action of wood is antibacterial. It dehydrates the cells and they die.

      Wood cutting boards are more hygienic than plastic.

      • karpintero@lemmy.world
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        3 months ago

        Yep, read an article about not applying finish to cutting boards for this reason.

        Also found out open grain woods might be better at preventing bacteria from building up, was always told the opposite.

        • OrganicMustard@lemmy.world
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          3 months ago

          Maybe at first, but I don’t want my cutting board sucking food juices for years.

          • Captain Aggravated@sh.itjust.works
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            3 months ago

            Woodworker here: This is why wooden cutting boards are coated with an ingestion safe oil or paste wax before use. Prevents significant fluid ingress. Then hand wash it and stand it vertically to air dry.

          • Korhaka@sopuli.xyz
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            3 months ago

            I just wish my partner wouldn’t leave wooden chopping boards or spoons soaking in water overnight. Want to get a somewhat decent one but I know it’s inevitable.

            Maybe I should just buy some nice hardwood board and cut one to size and use that as a choppig board. A lot cheaper than buying something labelled as a chopping board.

            • Sauerkraut@discuss.tchncs.de
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              3 months ago

              Find a local wood shop and ask if they have any hardwood scrap pieces. I got a bunch of small pieces of red oak for free that work great as a cutting board

              • Korhaka@sopuli.xyz
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                3 months ago

                I don’t even know what a wood shop would look like. B&Q or Wickes sell timber but I think it’s a fairly limited selection, mostly just different size/shapes of softwoods.

          • thisismyname@lemm.ee
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            deleted by creator

      • piccolo@sh.itjust.works
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        3 months ago

        Where else am i to get my required daily dose of microplastic?

        • SkunkWorkz@lemmy.world
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          3 months ago

          Just inhale. Especially if you are in a closed environment without proper ventilation. Many clothing are made with synthetic fiber blends, so there is plastic micro fibers in every home.

          • Korhaka@sopuli.xyz
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            3 months ago

            You can choose not to buy polyester clothing. Most of mine is cotton.

            • Sauerkraut@discuss.tchncs.de
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              Ah, but car tires are the #1 cause of microplastic pollution and in the US there aren’t any cities that are car free

        • DominusOfMegadeus@sh.itjust.works
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          3 months ago

          Drinking water?

        • Honytawk@lemmy.zip
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          3 months ago

          Eating animals and plants

        • Sauerkraut@discuss.tchncs.de
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          3 months ago

          Car tire dust. Most of the plastic in your body comes from car tires

    • Tikiporch@lemmy.world
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      3 months ago

      At press time, sources confirmed moisture within the wooden spoon had caused Davies to contract a drug-resistant and potentially fatal fungal infection.

      • EffortlessEffluvium@lemm.ee
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        3 months ago

        Heh, I didn’t read the article! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  • VeganPizza69 Ⓥ@lemmy.vg
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    3 months ago

    Wait until you learn about the mycotoxins that can accumulate in wood.

  • Tudsamfa@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    I always crack up at the nonchalant “sources confirm” in this kind of article.

  • WoodScientist@sh.itjust.works
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    3 months ago

    And they called me mad for doing the work I do. MWHAHA!

  • Chemical Wonka@discuss.tchncs.de
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    3 months ago

    well, it depends

    If the wood used to make the spoon has been treated with chemical agents, it can potentially cause cancer as well.

  • AmidFuror@fedia.io
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    3 months ago

    Splinters could cause small wounds in the lips or tongue. Over time, there will be a slight increase in cancer risk. Also, cancer needs nutrients to grow, so anything that helps you to eat could eventually lead to cancer. Better to wither away than aid your cells in growing and dividing, I always say.

    • blandfordforever@lemm.ee
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      Indeed, being a multicellular organism usually means you’re either pre-cancer or already have tumors that have not yet become malignant.

  • riodoro1@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    Why is this on the onion if its true?

  • nesc@lemmy.cafe
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    3 months ago

    Yet

  • WoodScientist@sh.itjust.works
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    3 months ago

    deleted by creator

  • IninewCrow@lemmy.ca
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    3 months ago

    Intruder that broke into his house, snapped the wooden spoon in half and impaled him with it.

    • Shortstack@reddthat.com
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      3 months ago

      This comment gave me cancer

    • Honytawk@lemmy.zip
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      3 months ago

      An intruder named Van Helsing?

  • hypnicjerk@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    headline is weird

    • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world
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      3 months ago

      Headline is accurate.

      • hypnicjerk@lemmy.world
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        3 months ago

        “wooden spoon only thing… that not giving him cancer”

        it should be that is not / that’s not / not. ‘that not’ is nonsense with a singular subject.

        • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world
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          3 months ago

          Whatchu talkin bout willis?

          • hypnicjerk@lemmy.world
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            3 months ago

            you’re right, that looks like i had a stroke

            headline should read “Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life Not Giving Him Cancer”. “That not giving” is grammatically incorrect.

  • Blaiz0r@lemmy.ml
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    3 months ago

    I thought bamboo was grass not wood

  • BreadOven@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    Why use more words when less work? (I know it’s the actual title of the article, no offense towards you, op).

    • sulgoth@lemmy.world
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      It’s newspaper title logic, it’s been a thing forever. It was too save space back where every letter counted.

      • BreadOven@lemmy.world
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        3 months ago

        Yeah. Sorry, I was just being dumb. As I said nothing against OP.

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